


Slowly

by angelview



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Online Dating, Amilyn is a jerk too, Angelview, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward Conversations, Awkward Flirting, Awkward Romance, Bars and Pubs, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Solo can’t handle his wine, Ben Solo is a Mess, Ben is Kylo Ren, Blogging, Devoted Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Drunk Texting, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, HEA, Happy Ending, Instagram, Jealous Rey (Star Wars), Journalism, Kaydel and Poe Ship Reylo, Looking for love, Misunderstandings, Modern Era, Mutual Pining, Online Friendship, Online Romance, Pen Pals, Rey Needs A Hug, Rey and Ben are so dumb, Reylo - Freeform, Reylo- Freeform, Romantic Angst, Romantic Fluff, Screenshots, Secret Crush, Secret Identity, Slow Burn, Slow Burn Rey/Kylo Ren, Snoke is not evil, Social Media, Soft Ben Solo, Texting, Twitter, Twitter Fic, Very fluffy, ang3lview, clueless, dumb reylo, just a jerk, lonely, one brain cell, rey is Kira, slowly, slowly app, text fic, they are in love, they are so dumb, thread fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:54:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24067693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelview/pseuds/angelview
Summary: Rey couldn’t be any happier for her friends; they’re all in love! It only bothers her when she’s the 5th wheel... a regular occurrence nowadays.Ready to end her loneliness since a certain dark, broody coworker she’s quite fond of has shown no sign of interest, she signs up for ‘Slowly.’Little does she know that antisocial coworker Ben Solo is lonely too... 💌🌃💘~SLOWLY (App):~“SLOWLY lets you meet pen friends from your smartphone! Match with someone that shares your passion, write a letter and collect stamps from around the world. Speak your mind – one letter at a time!” (Taken from getslowly.com)
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Phasma, Finn/Rose Tico, Kaydel Ko Connix/Poe Dameron, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Surprise at the end - Relationship
Comments: 17
Kudos: 101





	1. Casual Encounter

**Author's Note:**

> https://twitter.com/ang3lview/status/1254229928033177600?s=21
> 
> The thread that has all the screenshots and etc is on my Reylo twitter account, @ang3lview ! If i have some free time I’ll try to post the screenshots here too :)

[Check out the full fic on my Twitter thread!](https://twitter.com/ang3lview/status/1254229928033177600?s=21)

** Chapter 1: Casual Encounter  **

“Rey.”

She heard Rose’s trilled voice call to her while her small palm waved in front of her face.

She shook her head to come to. “Oh,” she groaned. “Sorry, Rose. I uh,” she desperately searched for an excuse, “was a bit out of it.”

_Oh, good one, Rey!_ She mocked herself internally. 

Rose was quick to join in the mockery. “What’s new?” She teased. 

“Sorry, friend,” Rey sighed as she deadpanned out into the void. She was sorry for being rude; she was not sorry for indulging in her own musings, away from a conversation she would not be missed from. 

“Rey just hates us, Rose,” Finn sighed dramatically as he draped his arms over his tiny girlfriend. “Whoa is us!” 

She snorted and rolled her eyes. “I don’t hate you guys.”

Kaydel scoffed across the table as she finished sipping her margarita. “Could’ve fooled me, girl! Your hot lil bod might be here, but your spirit is elsewhere. Sort of like that Winnie the Pooh gif!” 

Poe clapped his hands and cracked up. “I love that gif!” 

“You’re way sexier than Winnie, though, sweets.” Kaydel winked as she tucked herself into Poe’s arm. 

Rey smiled. Usually whenever she got roped into Finn and Rose’s plans she busied herself by chatting idly with Poe, Finn’s roommate. Poe’s been bringing their coworker Kaydel on these escapades lately though; Rey didn’t mind, despite feeling like an even more unnecessary fixture in the group. Kaydel was sweet, fun, and wild; she was a good match for Poe. She’s the girl he’s brought along for the longest time thus far, so he must like her very much. 

She loved these people. It was rare to say that of coworkers but she was lucky enough to click with them the way shows like The Office pretended coworkers did. She knew it was a rarity and she treasured it.

What she didn’t treasure was the awkward points throughout the evening where the couples would slip away into their own intimate worlds. It wasn’t even the way she was left to watch them kiss and hold each other, though that was especially awkward. Most of all, it was the reminder that she didn’t have that. That it made her different to them. Non-relatable in some ways. 

Everyone was sweet though. They did try their best to include her, but it was only natural that there would be mountains and valleys throughout the landscape of their dynamic. She hated that her unintentional sulk was becoming more and more obvious, but she couldn’t help it. It was  nice to see people share something like that with each other. It was like being on the outside looking in. 

“Oh god,” Finn muttered under his breath with an eye roll. 

“What?” Kaydel asked.

“There’s the Toby Flenderson of the office,” rose sighed, unimpressed.

Finn smirked. “More like Stanley. The dude’s always pissed.” 

Rey’s stomach turned when she realized what they were talking about. 

Ben Solo had strolled in, shoulders tucked inward as he made his dash to the bar. The way Ben carried himself was a desperate plea to remain unseen and unnoticed. It was impossible though; the man was the size of a refrigerator. Everything about him was attention-grabbing: his height, big-boned frame, pointed nose tipped with the slightly too small glasses, flapped ears, freckles against pale skin. She couldn’t think of a single person in this world she could describe in any similar manner. 

It was painful, really. Ben was so painfully shy and mousey; he was a trembling chihuahua trapped in a beastly German Shepard’s body. It might be comical if it wasn’t so  sad . 

Rey gets an idea. 

“I’ll be right back,” she told the group with determination peaked in her voice.

They all sighed and nodded. It was very on-brand for Rey to be friendly to someone as insufferable as Ben Solo, they had agreed. She was just her way: she was sunny and bright. She was somewhat of a mom-friend in the group, but her zany quirks and idiosyncrasies were akin to a cool aunt. 

She cleared her throat in hopes of getting his attention, but his back remained mounded like a boulder and turned against her. If this were a cartoon, she would envision Ben stopping over like that with a big, holographic bubble around him to keep people out. 

She considered turning back but when she reconsidered the snide comments her friends had made, she wanted to prove them wrong. She of all people knew how vital it was to take a chance on others. 

“Hey Ben,” she offered. 

Nothing. 

Her lips tightened and brow furrowed, but she did her best to wipe the frustration away. 

“Ben?” 

Nope. 

She huffed and prodded him with her index knuckle. “Ben!”

As if he had been struck by lighting, he practically jumped out of his seat, causing her to step back. She didn’t need to look over to know her friends were either laughing or wincing. 

“What the hell,” he spat bitterly as he scowled at her. 

Her face pinched in anger. “Hello to you too, then,” she scolded. 

He took off his glasses and shifted away slightly, taking out a suede wipe from his front pocket to clean the lenses. “Sorry,” he mumbled. “You caught me off guard.” 

She felt a tinge of remorse for snapping at him. Was he so isolated that even a friendly greeting was enough to shock him? 

“Sorry, sorry,” she muttered as she took a step back to give him some space.

“Nah, it’s alright,” he said in a slightly gentler tone. 

She tucked a loose lock of hair behind her ear. “I, um,” she tried. “Some of us are getting some tasters and drinks for happy hour.” 

She tilted her head in the direction of her group; it was not lost on her that they all immediately hid their faces away as she and Ben looked over.

“I see,” he said quietly as he turned back to face the bar. 

She nodded even though he wasn’t looking. “Yeah. I mean, I actually came to see if you’d, uh, perhaps like to join us?” She offered uncomfortably. 

“Hmph,” he exhaled. He still kept his eyes peeled to the bare wooden surface of the bar. 

She waited for a long second for him to answer the question, but he didn’t. 

“Do you want to join us, Ben?” She asked not firmly as she stepped slightly closer to him. 

“Oh, uh,” he snapped back to face her and raked his massive fingers though the mop of combed black hair on his head; he probably didn’t even realize he messed up the styling of it. “Um, you know, I appreciate you asking but I think I’ll pass. Thanks though. Have a goodnight,” he did his best to imitate friendliness and maintain eye contact, though both were somewhat poorly executed. He looked disgusted more than anything, like she had just asked him if he wanted to go get his toenails pulled out. 

She did her best to smile brightly at him. “Sure thing.” 

As soon as she turned around to return to her group, she shuttered. That went so much worse than she expected. She wasn’t sure if she should be mad at him for how painful the exchange was or sad for him. She thought doing this would make her feel good, knowing that she had reached out to someone who may be in need of friends. But for some reason, it didn’t. 

Finn sizzled between clenched teeth as Rey sat down. “God that was painful. It was like seeing a bad car accident and not being able to pull your eyes away.” 

“Finn, come on,” Rose smacked his arm. 

Poe began to chuckle but stopped when Kaydel shot him a pointed glare. ”Really, Ben’s a nice guy. Quiet, sure, but he’s cool.”

She sighed. “It’s fine, I don’t care. You know what they say: ‘better to be the one who smiles than the one who doesn’t,’ right?” 

“He didn’t even smile at you?!” Kaydel exclaimed, thrusting her long arms across the table. She was a bit jaunty, so anytime she moved dramatically like that her long golden hair flipped all over the place. 

Rey chuckled. “He did! I mean... I think he did...” She wasn’t sure, actually. 

“Rey— babe. The man is an Easter island head. He has the personality of lettuce,” Rose admitted. 

She threw her arms across her torso and crossed them. Ben may have been a tad rude to her— short, if anything— but that didn’t mean he deserved her friends to be talking about him like that. Even though it was sorta true. She normally wouldn’t even admit that it was true but... if she was being honest, it did sort of hurt that he was so short with her.

It bothered her that it bothered her. 

“Well, it doesn’t matter,” she finally replied to Rose. “Maybe he’s meeting friends or something.”

Finn snorted. “Doubt it!”

“ Babe ,” Rose harshly whispered to him. 

Her phone vibrated in her pocket. 


	2. Coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey has a flashback to the first time she met her “infamously antisocial“ coworker, Ben; this is also the moment she developed a massive crush on him... Especially since he doesn’t seem to be antisocial with her ;)
> 
> oof he’s cute i dont blame her

** Chapter 2: Coffee **

Rey walked to her cubicle and set her coffee cup down in a haste. She was up all night trying to brainstorm ideas for an article, and all there was to show for it was a trash can full of crumpled paper and a residual eye ache from staying up so late. 

She barely made it into work before 8 AM, the time she was expected in. Much to her surprise though, the cubicle across from her was empty; Ben wasn’t in yet. He was always there well-before she was, usually working away at whatever project he was on at the moment. They typically exchanged quick pleasantries and didn’t interact much beyond that, but it was so routine she immediately noticed he wasn’t there; normally he’d mumble “morning, Rey,” without looking away from his computer when she’d come in. Nothing was on his desk, like a lone Stormtrooper coffee mug or his black bomber jacket hugging the office chair, so she knew he wasn’t just in another room. This was the second time she’s ever been there before him in the year she’s been working there. 

A small smile formed when she remembered her first week there and the first time she was there before him. She was so shy, hesitant to speak unless spoken to. Her first assignment was compiling a list of best camping spots for those who favored mountains over beaches for their spring break. She knew nothing about camping though, so she spent the majority of the morning looking up different places on Google. She couldn’t come up with anything concise though, since she didn’t know what she should be looking for. After a couple hours of struggling, her steady attention on the search was disrupted by the distinct sound of throat clearance one makes to get another’s attention. She looked up and saw a man sitting in his desk across from her. She was so invested in what she was doing, she didn’t notice him come in; Ben has always been discrete in doing things so as not to gain too much notice. He was sitting at his own desk when he cleared his throat and he immediately looked away to his computer once he got her attention.

“Hi,” she shyly squeaked out with a small wave.

He fidgeted nervously and played with the pens in his pocket and let out a nervous chuckle. “Hi, uh,” he waited and finally looked at her with a unsure smile. “Are you, uh, new here?”

She smiled back and let out a breathy giggle. “That obvious, huh?” 

He shook his head coolly while working on his computer. “I mean, the desk was empty before.”

Even though he seemed slightly mousy with those wire-rimmed glasses and pen in pocket, she immediately noticed he was handsome. His angular, sharp features were well-matched with his warm, dark eyes and slicked back, full head of ebony hair. She was immediately drawn to his mouth, though; his lips were berry-stained like he’d been eating a cherry lollipop and his endearingly imperfect teeth made for a beautiful smile, even if it was small and reserved. 

She didn’t know what prompted her to continue the conversation, even while he had clearly returned to whatever he was doing before. But she just felt like it.

“Do you know anything about camping? The great outdoors?” She shot out before she could back down. She played with the faded gold necklace around her neck, pulling at the daisy flower charm with her index finger and thumb. 

He seemed to immediately perk up at the question, and he made a final ‘click’ of his mouse and shifted his chair slightly away to face her and tucked his arms across his torso. He then finally met her expectant stare with his own intense gaze. It was strange to feel such a concerted amount of attention from one person; it made her feel like he was the only person in the room, despite the passage of various people in the space between their work stations. He pursed his full lips in thought and then released a thoughtful huff. 

“Depends on what you’re going for, I suppose. Are you thinking of something local or would you be willing to travel a bit?”

“Oh, it’s not for me. I mean, it is, sort of. I’m supposed to write an article about ideal camping spots for spring break,” she explained.

He hummed reflectively and clicked/uncliked a red pen in his hand; it looked like a toothpick compared to those paws of his. “Well, locally I like going to Torrey Pines since it’s close to a nice beach. But if you’re willing to travel, Anza-Boreggo is cool. So is Joshua Tree, which is neat since it’s also a national park. Lots of people get trendy Airbnbs there, if that’s something you think would appeal to your audience.” 

She furiously wrote down everything he said onto her notepad. “That’s brillant,” she commented while writing. “Do you have any recommendations for Airbnbs?”

He shook his head. “Nah, I usually rough it.” 

It came as a slight surprise since he seemed so prim and clean, but she chose not to make a comment on that. “Anything else? This is already so helpful to me.”

He thought for a moment and brought his carded hands to his mouth. “Idyllwild is nice, too. They have a dog for a mayor, you know. I think you can even request to meet him.”

She snorted. “Seriously?! That’s amazing! That’s definitely going on the list.”

He gave her a few more suggestions which she savored and wrote down. By the time they were done talking, she had more than enough options to compile a versatile list. 

“Thank you so very much,” she told him. 

He made a small grin and shrug as he returned to work. “No big.”

She didn’t know what else to say. She wanted to continue the conversation even more but there was no easy in to do so. “I’m Rey,” she decided to add.

“I’m Ben,” he replied. 

Soon after that she met Finn, the very social and animated staff writer fronting Celebrity news. And through him there was Rose, who was as bubbly and sweet as could be. Rose became a constant presence at her cubical whenever she wasn’t at Rose’s. Soon she became part of their group, which was more like a clique she’d never have been able to be part of growing up. She found less and less opportunities to chat with Ben as time went on. He never sought her out though. Finn would mention that Ben was somewhat of a jerk, never wanting to engage with people within the Rebellion staff; his articles were very popular and have won awards, so he thought he was better than everyone else. She found that hard to believe, since he had been nice and friendly enough to her, but she didn’t argue. She didn’t want to rock the boat. 

So now as she sat and realized he wasn’t in yet, she couldn’t help but be curious about his whereabouts. Not that it was any of her business. 


	3. Destroy What Destroys You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post #308 for my twitter fic, Slowly
> 
> Link: https://twitter.com/ang3lview/status/1275451613105147906?s=21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a lot to write so i thought it’d be easier to just post it here, haha. Ignore what a mess this whole post is since i have yet to update this beyond the early posts from Slowly, i will be posting the link to this as an update on twitter. Thanks so much :))
> 
> TW: abandonment, acts of violence (Not on a person; on inanimate objects), foster system, childhood trauma, emotional issues

[Previously on Slowly... ](https://twitter.com/ang3lview/status/1275451613105147906?s=21)

The one good thing about Mitaka was that he wasn’t one to ask too many questions. He had stayed late to finish uploading some new articles on the website, idly tapping away in his closet-sized office. So when he heard Rey in the hallway once she got out of the lift, he didn’t really raise too many question. Saying that she left her jacket behind as she returned to the office was good enough for him. Telling him to just head out once he’s done and that she’d lock up after didn’t merit any further questioning. He didn’t ask her why she didn’t want to be disturbed so don’t come knocking on the door of the locked office, let alone what she’d be up to in there. He didn’t even bother asking about what caused her face to be so puffy and her eyes to be so red. He just wished her a goodnight and she did the same.

Mitaka was sweet. A little bit on the awkward side, but nice. She didn’t know if he was so relaxed and permissive because he had a crush on her, which she knew he did, or if that was just his nature. But it didn’t really matter in the end, as long as he stayed out of her way.

Rey was too angry to think of anything else. She felt like a wounded wild animal, ready to lash out. To destroy what attempted to destroy her.

She didn’t think ahead, no more than considering how to get the pain in her heart to stop hurting. To silence the cruel words that raced through her head.

She knew she probably should just go home and try to sleep it off. Maybe even call someone, like Rose or Kay to talk things out; she didn’t want to be alone, though and she knew the girls were out having a wonderful time tonight. She didn’t want to bother them.

As she switched on the light, her eyes twitched. Partially from the dim, yellowish fluorescent lights in contrast to the dark state it was in before; partially because she remembered the dinner, and how Ben’s there. He’s probably having a nice time. He only goes to things he wants to go to, so he must be pretty excited for Poe and Kaydel.

She hated knowing that he was probably having a great night out, thinking nothing of her, while she was here mourning. Mourning _him_ , as if he was something she even came close to having.

She didn’t want to think about it anymore. It was all too much to feel at once. She hated that she was even allowing to have such a hold on her, bringing her to the low she found herself sinking deeper and deeper into.

So she went for it. Blind fury incarnate.

The first thing she did was rifle through his drawers. There was nothing of particular interest in the first two, but she pulled each them out of the desk unit all together and put her hands on both sides of each one, and without any struggle whatsoever she flung the detached drawer across the way. She watched as the contents of each spilled out, confirming that there was nothing interesting in either. Just some spare pens and papers; her only observation on the contents was that it was a surprise to see Ben had coloured pens rather than all black.

Once she got to the third and last drawer, she found something. She didn’t know what she was looking for, going in but what she found satisfied her.

Any hesitation she began to feel was overwhelmed by the intense anger she felt as she stood there, remembering earlier.

Any hesitation she began to feel was overwhelmed by the intense anger she felt as she stood there, remembering earlier. Him and Bazine.

It was painfully clear, she thought, that she was into Ben. He had to know it. How could he not? All to think she was about to go out on a limb for him and ask him out again. She should’ve known better. Her heart hardened as she recalled his messages as Kylo, telling her there was someone else. She felt so stupid for thinking it could be her. Of course it wasn’t. He was already talking to her and he rejected her then, so it was ridiculous to think he wouldn’t reject her this way as well.

The rage inside bubbled and stewed like lava, burning her as she felt it ooze through her veins. The worst part was that not only did she feel the sting of Ben’s rejection twice now, but that she allowed it to happen. That she didn’t listen to her senses, the senses she had relied on her entire life to survive.

_If it seems too good to be true, it is._

_Never make the mistake of attaching yourself to something you could lose._

_Things are temporary; people even more so._

Just as she had done with the drawers, she took a deep breath and braced it in her hands tightly. She took one last inhale, held it as she positioned herself and secured her grip, and with an exhale she flung it. It landed on the ground so hard, glass erupted under it from being cracked.

She was surprised that Ben would leave his personal laptop behind, he was usually so careful with his things. With everything, really.

_He probably wasn’t thinking clearly since his lap and mouth were all full of Bazine,_ she cringed to herself. It felt like she was a knife and each passing thought, recollection, and speculation about Ben was the pumice that sharpened the blade.

Ben really didn’t have too many things on his desk, and thus there wasn’t too much left for her to mess with. She knew it’d be a hassle to completely uproot his desktop and toss it as she had done with the drawers and laptop, but it was pretty much the only thing left. So she looked around, trying to find something to use.

As she searched, she remembered that one of the windows had a wooden poll next to it to keep it shut.

_That’ll work._

The poll was about four feet tall and the wood wasn’t too thick, but it would have to do. She took it with her as she returned to his desk, and then braced herself to strike. She didnt want to destroy the hard drive persay, since there was probably stuff from work on it, but she went to town on the monitor. She swung the poll at it like it were a loose screw and the poll was a hammer. She didn’t stop until the screen was cracked and the framing bent, warping the rectangle screen into some indiscernible fold.

She scanned the desk one more time to see if she missed anything. And then she saw it. How could she miss it? It was right there the whole time; his beloved Stormtrooper mug.

She stood in place, ready to beat the porcelaine object to smithereens. As she raised her arms and prepared to strike, the strangest wave of nostalgia came over her.

The image of the black and white mask belonging to a Stormtrooper triggered it.

It was a painful realization, and it brought old feelings back to the surface. The way she felt was akin to the way she felt long ago. _  
_

_She sat on the couch, wearing a red Totally Spies! T shirt and some Bobby Jack sleep pants; both fit her skinny little body loosely, but they were her favorites. It was the morning that Rian told her he had to resign custody of her. His mom was sick, needed him around the clock. So he had to send Rey back, since his mom lived in Canada and Rey’s citizenship required her to stay behind in the states._

He was the best foster she had. He gave her his last name and everything.

Rey had learned to be tough; to hide how she felt so as to keep from being vulnerable, within those 5 years of being shuffled around within the system to teach her how to. Rian seemed troubled to be sending her back, but she shut him out once he sprung that news on him. She didn’t care about how bad he felt— she cared about how bad she felt. Buts she didn’t want him to know how much it hurt to be sent back— to be rejected. A part of herself started hating him from then on. She never wanted to see him again, so she ensured he’d never want to see her again either. _  
_

She was in a very similar situation as she found herself in now. Only it was Rian’s collection of Space Wars action figures kept on display in a glass China cabinet that she stared at. Not Ben’s Stormtrooper mug on his desk. It was the night before Rian dropped her off at her next foster home. Not the night she was supposed to be out celebrating one of her best friends, alongside Ben, the only other person in this world she had began to allow herself to love. It was a poll in her hand now, instead of a staff. It was closer to midnight then, it was only a bit past 7 now. She was 10 then. 23 now. _  
_

Rian, she acknowledged, was at least sorry about having to leave her. Ben wasn’t.

And yet, she felt her shoulders relax as her arms anchored lower. Her grip on the poll loosened until she let it plop on the ground.

She wasn’t scowling anymore. Her face had gone still, numb even.

She didn’t know why, but she just couldn’t do it. She couldn’t bring herself to destroy that stupid mug, a mug that probably costed a few dollars from Amazon; a minuscule fraction of what Rian’s collection was worth.

So she left it alone. Turned off the lights, locked up behind her, and went back to her car.

She didn’t know how she got home. She didn’t remember the drive very well. She had been crying profusely, to the point where she didnt even realize the tears were pouring out like a storm.

As she poured a very full glass of cheap white wine, she wondered if Ben would be angry when he discovers what she had done.

She knew anyone would be furious about it. Naturally. And in most cases, she wouldn’t bother even speculating; she’d know what sort of response her actions would evoke.

The only thing that fueled any doubt that he might not be furious was that same memory, 13 years before.

Rian wasn’t mad at her when he discovered. He was sad; not sad over his collectibles, but over the drive to the new foster’s house. Sad to be saying goodbye.

Before they arrived, she told him she did it. She didn’t plan to apologize, secretly hoping he would be angry about it and thus justify her rage and resentment. But he wasn’t. He just gave a soft smile.

_‘That’s not what I’m sad to have lost,’_ he told her _._

She hoped Ben would be pissed the next day, maybe even yell at her if he found out she did it. Report her and have her fired, maybe even get a restraining order. A normal person would.

It wasn’t the anxiety of the possibility of him being appalled and hating her that motivated her to pour her third glass; it was the anxiety of the possibility that he might not.


	4. Flashbacks, Revelations, Resolutions, Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: therapy, mental health, anxiety, depression, self-blame, abandonment, foster system, trauma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I messed up on posting the text on my twitter fic ‘Slowly’ so here is the full text!
> 
> Posts #318-#320
> 
> https://twitter.com/ang3lview/status/1276369562980634624?s=21

[Previously on Slowly...](https://twitter.com/ang3lview/status/1276369562980634624?s=21)

“Is this gonna be one of those things where you tell me what’s on your mind, or I just ask heaps of boring, repetitive questions that’ll drive you so mad, you’ll have to start talking?”

Dr. Kanata’s blunt response to a few moments of silence caught Rey off guard. The first few minutes of their session had been Dr. Kanata getting to know her in the most basic sense; what she did for work, where she grew up, how she felt overall, what she expected out of therapy, etc. But it was like the doctor saw straight through her act; the act she always put on, conveying she was fine and just had normal life anxiety and not filled to the brim with dread, apprehension and sadness.

“Pardon?” She asked, trying to stretch out the strength of her walls.

The doctor just clicked her tongue, not in a demanding way though. She set her yellow legal pad aside and rested her elbows against her knees, cupping her face in her hands. Her soft coral lips formed a soft smile as she watched Rey, eyes full of kindness and understanding. Maz Kanata didn’t seem to be too much older than Rey herself, and yet she had ancient eyes; eyes of someone who’s seen things. Who knows things. Who understands.

“Rey, now you may not know this but you don’t have to tell me anything here. But what you do tells me stays here. I don’t take it home with me; I leave that for you. But I do care about you. I mean that. And I want you to know I’m here because I’m all about you. Why do you think I got into this profession?”

Rey gave her a curious look in answer.

The woman gave a soft chuckle. “If I didn’t care about people and knew I’d come in hardcore judging people that come to see me, I wouldn’t be in this field. That, or I’d be a major failure. And I’m not merely being kind to myself by saying that I’ve developed a very nice rapport with my people.”

‘My people;’ Rey smiled. It sounded nice, hearing her say that rather than just ‘my patients’ or ‘my clients.’

“I’ve just...,” Rey started, hugging a leopard print throw pillow to her abdomen as she leaned back on the smooth black leather couch. Dr. Kanata’s office looked more like a minimalist-chic loft than what she had envisioned a therapist’s office looking like. The fact that the doctor seemed very comfortable in her space definitely put Rey at ease as well.

“It’s just... well, obviously I’m not very good at talking about my feelings. And I want to be, you know? I came here because...” she crinkled her nose and pursed her lips in thought as Dr. Kanata calmly watched, listening to everything she said in earnest. She sighed. “I want to get better. I don’t want to live life in constant fear. Under a shadow.”

Dr. Kanata nodded softly, visibly digesting Rey’s words. She waited a moment before responding.

“Close your eyes for a second, please. Just lean your head back and take a deep breath,” she instructed as Rey followed. “Now take a look through your mind’s eye. What is the shadow that follows you, Rey? If you had to pin it as being one thing or person, what would it be?”

As she pondered the question and tried to visualize the scenario, she saw it.

_She was a child, around 5 years old. Small and frail, her hair styled in the disheveled updo her mom would do each morning. She was so little, she couldn’t even reach the rolled down window as her mom waved off from the passenger seat once she and her father dropped her off at nursery school. They had been in The States for a year or so, moving there from England for her father’s supposed job; that’s what they told her anyway. The night before, she had spilled paint on the carpet of their flat and her parents got angry with her. They seemed fine in the morning though, dropping her off as they normally did._

“A car,” she said carefully, as if she were speaking to herself. The doctor didn’t say anything and continued to listen.

_‘We’ll come back for you, sweetheart,’ her mom said casually before they drove off. Little Rey stood there for a moment, under the shadow of the car as they turned on the ignition and left._

“And...,” she started as the flashback went on.

_She stood there for a long time after school was over, waiting for them to come back. They never did come back, though. She thought they were perhaps punishing her for the mess she made the night before, and she started to cry as she thought about it._

_‘I’ll be good, I’ll be good,’ she whispered to herself, promising to never make them upset with her again. She hated being away from them, especially at the thought that she caused them to go. She kept waiting, but nothing. Instead of the shadow of the parked car overhead, another form casted down over her as she sat on the curb._

_‘Where are your parents, miss Rey?’ She heard the soft voice of a man ask._

“And...,” her voice caught. “And my foster father.”

_She looked up to see her principle, Mr. Johnson standing over her. He looked concerned and turned his head from her to look on ahead at the road. There were no indications of any cars pulling into the nearly empty parking lot._

She relayed this flashback to Dr. Kanata in full. Before she knew it, she felt the steady stream of tears roll down her cheek.

She didn’t tell her the conclusion of her revelation, though. There was also a mental image of Ben, packing up his things at the office. She didn’t see him, but she could envision him quietly walking away with his broad shadow casting behind him. And that stung even more because it was a fresh wound.

Dr. Kanata just smiled and handed her a tissue box. She didn’t speak as Rey took a moment to let it out. She just let her have a good, cathartic cry.

Dr. Kanata was the second person she had shared the full story of her childhood with. How she ended up a foster child and ended up being adopted by one of the kindest people she’d ever met. The first person was Ben, in a letter to Kylo. She wanted to tell Adam about it after reading his story, but decided to wait on it.

“Why do you think this shadow is always with you?” Dr. Kanata asked.

After thinking on it, she sighed and gave her response. “I think because I hold onto them. I’m afraid of forgetting them because if I do, I’ll lose them forever.”

“Do you think maybe you’ve replaced the shadow of your parents— them in the car, with your foster father?”

She bit her lip. If she knew that she had envisioned Ben as well, she would’ve likely asked if she, in turn, replaced the shadow of her foster father with Ben.

And just like the answer to the initial question, the answer would also be yes. Yes, she did, because those were the people she cared about the most. The people she feared losing the most.

And in the end, they were all gone.

Before she knew it, she confessed in full. She told her about Ben, and about the immense feelings and fondness she had developed for him. How she felt so much in such a relatively short period of time. How each loss hurt more than the one before. How she had the same ache of abandonment and guilt, plaguing her every thought and action. She had spent the last 24 hours crying, refusing to come into work that morning. She left early the day before also. It was chronic.

“Rey, dear,” Dr. Kanata began as she stood up. “Can I sit next to you? Give you a hug?”

She looked up from her tissue and saw the beautiful woman approach her carefully as if she were a wounded animal. She nodded.

Dr. Kanata sat on the couch next to her and put her arm over her hunched shoulders, softly rubbing her shoulder to soothe her. She just let her cry.

Once Rey calmed down, they delved into it. Through some discussion, Rey was able to discern that she has held every person in her life to the same expectation as her parents, the first people she had loved. She put them on a pedestal and stood back and waited for them to fall. To crush her.

She was so scarred from her parents abandonment, she shut out the possibility to have that same moment of waiting all to be left hanging. She but the rope before they could do it to her first.

Dr. Kanata emphasized the point that Rian and Ben are not her parents. Her parents were her parents, Rian was Rian, and Ben was Ben. They did what they did for different reasons. None of them being a direct response to her personally.

“I think I left Ben before he could leave me,” she quietly admitted. “And now it’s ruined. But it’s just as well, since he has that girl and everything.”

She sighed and gave a small shrug. “Maybe. But Rey... is it possible that there’s more to the story than meets the eye? I find that that’s often the case in situations like this.”

“Well, I saw them kiss. I don’t know what else could be said about it.”

“Does that girl show that she likes him?”

“Yes.”

“And does he show— or has he shown— that he feels the same?”

She huffed. “No,” she answered in a small voice.

“Why do you think Ben took the blame for destroying his own office space? He and you both know he didn’t do it.”

“Well, he doesn’t know that I did it persay.”

“Didn’t you lose your necklace when you were there vandalizing?”

Her fingers brushed the lone chain that hung around her neck. “Yes. But that doesn’t mean Ben knows it was me.”

Dr. Kanata clicked her tongue again. “And you said he didn’t want to talk to you after? Something about how you both knew the truth?”

She wiped away a stray tear with the back of her hand. “Yeah.”

The doctor just sighed again. “Something tells me he may have his suspicions, my dear. No one gets fired from their job like that for the sake of someone they don’t, at the very least, care profusely about.”

Rey just nodded. She didn’t want to entertain the possibility that Ben might have genuinely cared about her the way she did him. Because if he did, that would make her the biggest idiot ever.

“I just don’t know what to do now,” she exhaled, defeated. “I just wish I could go bac and fix everything. All of it, from the beginning.”

Dr. Kanata chuckled gently. “Sweet girl. The belonging you seek isn’t behind you,” Rey lifted her head to meet Dr. Kanata’s intense gaze as the doctor gave a kind squeeze to her hand. “It is ahead.”

“So I should just... move on?”

She shook her head. “It’s not about what you did then; what matters is what you do now, and what you will do after you leave this office.”

She crooked a brow in question. In response, Dr. Kanata just smiled and got up to get something from her desk. She came back and sat down as she unlocked her phone.

“Here,” she said, tilting the screen toward Rey. “I’m sure this is breaking some kind of rule... but I’d rather break a rule than someone’s hope.”

Rey peered at the screen and saw that she had pulled up a phone contact.

Her heart fluttered as she read the name and saw the picture— a photo of her foster father, a bit older than she remembered, next to his name, ‘Rian Johnson.’

Her mouth gaped and her eyes widened as she collected the phone being handed to her. “But... but... but how?!”

A lovely laugh escaped the doctor’s lips. “My little nephew is in his second grade class. He returned to The States a few years ago. Apparently he mentioned he’s a former foster parent during a PTA meeting in September.”

More tears built in Rey’s eyes, making her cheeks feel warm. But these weren’t tears of grief; no, these were tears of hope.

“Dr. Kanata... I... I—,” her effort to thank her was cut off by a warm hug.

“There’s light in you, Rey. It’s always been there. I got a good feeling about you,” she assured as she patted her back.

“I— I’m nervous. So much time has passed, and I just... I don’t know.”

The time for their session had ended and as the two of them rose from the couch toward the door, Dr. Kanata stopped her from leaving.

“Rey,” she sighed as she leaned against the doorway and crossed her arms loosely. “Something I’ve learned throughout life is that with people we meet... some people leave. Sometimes it’s a good thing, even if we don’t see it. Some people leave... and they’re never coming back.” She paused and rested a hand on her shoulder once more. “But sometimes, the _right_ ones... well, there are some who still _could_.”

It was dangerous, the way Rey left Dr. Kanata’s office. She felt lighter. Her heart ache had dulled and the throbbing in her head had subsided.

She _would_ get in touch with Rian, she decided. She shot him a quick text before getting in her car to drive. She was going to head straight home, but a wild idea popped into her head, so she turned in the direction of Michael’s Craft Store instead.

A smile found its way back to her face and hope found its way back to her heart. She would fix this. She had to.

Hope was a dangerous thing to have, but for once in a long time, Rey had it.


	5. Infinity.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slow burn; now engulfed in flames

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The conclusion to my text fic, Slowly
> 
> Thanks so much for all the PATIENCE and love you’ve shown me through this very slow journey! Ive met so many nice people and I dedicate this to all my loyal friends and those who have painstakingly followed this story from start to this point... finish~
> 
> PLease listen to the links I Have included to enhance the reading experience. 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtii7vZsNdI
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JGe5GAhOf4
> 
> There’ll be an epilogue posted here later today I hope

Ben supposed he should be more cautious before randomly agreeing to meet a stranger on a rooftop.

All kinds of scenarios ran through his head; what if things didn’t go well and Kira pushed him off? What if he said something stupid and caused her to run away and she then falls off the roof? Or what if this is just a colossal catfish scheme and he’ll be mugged, left for dead?

He felt his legs tremble, shifting into a Jello-like state as he waiting for the elevator to take him to the very top. He doubted that people were even allowed up here, especially with an event like this going on. He couldn’t help but wonder how Kira made it up.

Maybe she didn’t; maybe it was all a lie and she actually isn’t in attendance, and she just send him up there to wait all night, like an idiot? That was also a possibility.

He mentioned his plan to Armie before going, just in case. Normally his friend would scoff and admonish him for being so naive and gullible so as to go meet an internet friend atop a very high rooftop, but Armie was surprisingly relaxed about it. He had been chatting with some reporter for Buzzfeed when Ben interrupted to tell him what he was going to do, and all Armie did was roll his eyes and tell him to go off then, and have fun. He seemed irritated to be interrupted, but other than that had an overall neutral reaction... if not somewhat encouraging.

The rooftop was the last of twelve stories. He read up on the venue before and learned that the view is incredible, apparently. So at least if Kira didn’t show up he could be alone with the moonlight.

He tugged on his jacket once more to straighten out and felt the box inside the inner pocket shake as he did.

_I should’ve just left this in the car,_ he realized. It’s bulky. _And it’s not like I have any reason to be holding onto it here._

The elevator ride seemed to be taking forever, leaving Ben alone with his thoughts. He was both excited and anxious to put a face to the person he had been so intrigued with for nearly six months.

That was being generous, time-wise; but it felt even longer than that somehow. Years, even.

And yet, despite how relieved he should be feeling at the prospect of meeting someone so wonderful, his heart sunk as it grew heavy.

His heart was with Rey. As it always would be.

It was like Rey ruined him for anyone else. Not that he blamed her; he allowed and encouraged it. He was absolutely addicted to her, in every sense. The maddening spark that jolted between them, leaving them bound in an unspoken intimacy he couldn’t wrap his head around, felt like a once in a lifetime chance. A gift, even. It was like whenever he was with her, the entire world stopped; there was no grief, suffering, or strife. Just sunshine to keep him warm, that slowly intertwined with the silver moon, shining down to guide him. As long as he was with her, he was on the right path.

As he neared his stop, his heart began to thud with panic. Doing this almost felt like some sort of betrayal to Rey. He knew it wasn’t and that he shouldn’t feel guilty, but he did all the same. He felt stupid for waiting for life to change and his happiness to be delivered to him on a silver plate anytime he hungered for it. He was a coward. He should be out there, seeking it out. Opening every door, climbing every mountain, walking every path, pushing whatever limit, overcoming whatever obstacle that stood between him and happiness.

And for Ben, Rey was his happiness.

He felt seen. He felt understood. He felt loved.

When he met Rey, he felt like the universe spun and the planet revolved a little closer to the sun. He felt absolutely celestial, as if he were a mere spectator watching the birth of a new star; a cosmic phenomena. All of that happened inside him; there was stardust glimmering in her eyes, filling his heart with light.

The first thing he thought of Rey was that she was like moonlight. He could just as easily say sunlight, because she’s so warm and radiant, but there was more to moonlight than one might realize.

The moon, silver and gold in its glory, shined as a light— a refuge— on even the darkest nights. It was the light in dark corners.

Ben was in the deepest blackness of his life; an unending night, with no promise of day.

He wasn’t afraid of the dark, though. He was used to it. He became one with it, to some degree. Fear and loathing had built up in his heart, nearly closing it off to anything else.

But then there was Rey; a promise of light. The potential for something better. The hope for happiness. For love.

Someone who wouldn’t give up on him because she knew how it felt to be left behind.

And that’s exactly what he did. He left her. He was scared of her.

Afraid that she would be disappointed in him, once she knew him better. He found it too easy to assume the worst, cutting her to the quick.

He walked away, and she tried to follow. But he sent her back.

On pure instinct he was about to switch the buttons of the elevator to take him back down. He wanted to go back down there, hide in the restroom or car or somewhere quiet, and call Rey. To get her to come back from him; promise her he’s here to stay. Doing anything but that repulsed him. This whole thing was ridiculous. Unfair, even. Unfair to himself, to Rey... to Kira. He’ll only ever look for Rey no matter where he is. And he won’t stop until he finds her. He’ll _always_ be with her.

But he didn’t. The elevator doors swooshed open, creating an entrance to the unknown. And on their own accord, his feet took those steps forward.

The rooftop itself wasn’t too big, nor was it too small. He could get a general sense of the layout without needing venture too far, but he couldn’t see too well either since it was dark.

The sky had turned into a rich cobalt, and despite the Los Angeles smog, he could see the stars freckle the night and the moon hang over head like a centerpiece.

He took a deep breath as he stole this moment for himself. To gander at the heavens above; to look at the moon, bask in its light.

His hands rested in his pockets as he tilted his head back to look. It was a delightfully silent night; everything seemed so easy and cool. He didn’t know how long he spent in observation, but eventually he felt his phone buzz in his pocket.

It was a text from Kira:

‘I’m here. I think I see you. Come to the side facing you. Left corner.’

The ominous tone in the message was a bit off-putting, but he did as she asked. He walked in that direction cautiously, taking his time in hopes of seeing her before actually meeting her.

Of course she chose the darkest, most secluded area to wait in. The shadow of a neighboring building created even more shade, allowing her to stay hidden until she chose to step into the light.

He heard someone clear their throat.

“K— Kira? I— is that you?” He asked with a shaky voice as he slowed his steps.

“Ben?” He heard whispered from the darkness. He couldn’t make out any details of the voice; it sounded soft enough, not quite gruff enough to make him think it was a masculine voice, but there was nothing else he could discern from the one word.

“Kira? Yeah, yeah, it’s, uh... it’s me. Ben.”

“I’m afraid,” the voice whispered back.

Objectively, it would be very creepy but he detected a note of genuine fear and maybe even sadness in it. Soft and shaky, like she really was afraid.

“Um,” he hesitated, trying to overcome his own fear. “It’s... it’s okay, Kira. It’s me, Ben. From Slowly. Or you know, Kylo. Hah,” he breathed out a chuckle. “Don’t be afraid. It’s me.”

“I know,” she said back slightly more audibly.

He heard some shuffling, like shoes skidding against the cement. Something shiny sparkled against the light that had began seeping into the corner, which caused him to take a significant step back.

“Ready?” A soft, definitely feminine voice asked.

He felt sweat begin to pool and his brows raise along with his blood pressure.

“Ready.”

The first thing he saw was a long, tanned leg with some strappy silver heels emerge forward.

_Okay, it is a woman,_ he confirmed to himself.

Next was the skirt of a dress; a dark sparkly sequin dress that hugged her form like lingerie; it was too fancy to be lingerie, though. He looked at it, trying to decide whether it was black or navy.

Soon, she emerged in full. He took his time taking her in before meeting her eyes. He returned his glance to her shoes, then moved up her lithe, toned form; she had tanned skin, dusted with freckles.

_Freckles_.

His eyes shot up to her face.

The loveliest face he’d ever seen.

Large, glimmering hazel eyes. The most adorable capped little nose, also bursting with intricate freckles. Soft pink lips, twitching at the sides as they struggled to keep a smile up.

Her dark brown hair was flowing like flames, shining against the moonlight.

She was luminous. It was enough to break his heart and put it back together in one devastating moment.

He was looking at _Kira_.

And he was looking at _Rey_.

* * *

Rey’s heart may, at this point, be visibly thudding through her chest.

Ben was just _staring_ at her as if she were an alien that just crash landed in his backyard. His full lips were parted, eyes wide. She could see his chest moving in and out. He looked as wrecked as she felt.

“Ben?” She asked, voice small and now weak. She wanted to step closer to him but was afraid he’d run away if she did. She clasped her hands together behind her back and lowered her head so she could stare at her exposed toes as they peaked out of her silver sandals.

Even though she was doing this in order to avoid his wild stare, she felt it. She felt energy practically radiate out of him, like live wire. She didn’t want to get burned, so she didn’t get closer.

_He’s disappointed_ , the unkind part of herself said.

“I— I’m sorry,” she whispered so as to hide that she was seconds away from tears. “I... I know you were expecting Kira. And as crazy as it is, I’m Kira. I’ve always been Kira. Or, I guess Kira has always been me. Rey. And Ben, I just—“

Before she could finish the monologue she prepared in case things went badly, the wind was practically knocked out of her. She was weightless, floating in the air as Ben wrapped his arms around her and lifted her up.

Terror passed through, unsure of what he was doing until he sunk down to his knee while still cradling her.

He was hugging her. Holding her.

His nose was nestled in the crook of her neck and his soft hair tickled the side of her face. She used this as her chance to lean in and smell the spicy cologne that ghosted his collar. She slid a hesitant hand through his har, confirming that it truly was silk; his hands rested at her lower back while his arms remained tight around her.

She was absolutely tiny in his arms; she felt safe there. Like he would protect her from anything. Like she was something small and precious he found and now was keeping guard of.

She had never felt more at home.

“Rey,” he finally said, breathless. She wanted to whine once he pulled away from her but seeing his beautiful face was worth it.

His eyes were soft, and they glimmered and were tight with something; something she thought might also be reflected in her eyes. His plush lips split into a smile that did something to her; it illuminated her, like sunshine on cold skin.

He shook his head, as if he were in disbelief that she was actually there. That this was happening.

“Ben,” she squeaked out; she was hoping the tears had subsided but apparently they hadn’t. “Ben I’m so sorry.”

He frowned as one of his ridiculously large thumbs glazed under her eye to wipe the tears away. “Sorry for what, Rey?” He asked painfully softly.

She shook her head as her lips quivered. “For everything. For not saying something sooner. That it was me, Kira. That I was Daisy. All of that. I didn’t know, for a lot of it... but I was too scared once I did,” she whimpered. “Ben, you have no idea how much I care about you.”

He looked pained and shook his head again. “Rey,” he murmured as he continued wiping her tears. “How could... how is this—,” he chuckled, “how could this have happened? All of this?”

She frowned, unwittingly pursing her lips into a pout. “I didn’t know any of it. I didn’t know you were Kylo— I had starting to think maybe, you know, somehow you were... but then you told me the truth. About it. Ben, I’m so sorry. For everything. For the confusion, for not speaking up... for not being honest, I’m just so sorry.”

He pulled her back into his arms and rubbed soothing circles down her neck and along her back. “Rey. You have no idea how happy I am right now. I don’t think you know. This is just— this is a dream. You’re a dream.”

She let out a wet laugh, but she felt him shake his head against her shoulder.

“Rey, this is my fault. I should have been honest. I’ve liked you for so long and was always... I don’t know, too... too terrified to say anything. I got into Slowly and met— met you, you know, Kira. But I didn’t know what to do, because there was also... you. Rey. And the more I got to know you, the more I liked you.”

She shook her head as they stood up and she took his hand, leading him to a better-lit corner that had a sill they could sit on.

“I liked you too, you know. I’ve only ever liked you.”

He was absolutely radiant. “You did?”

She nodded and reached for his hand. “I did. And I do. And,” she sighed, “this is just... just a mess. I can’t believe this happened.”

“I know,” he agreed. “But I wouldn’t change any of it.”

She stilled before turning to him. “I would. The letters thing. When— when you got the one that... that, you know, said all that horrible stuff in it. I never sent that. Someone got into our letters and... messed it all up for us.”

His jaw went slack and he looked down. “I know. That was... that was... a lot. But Rey— I shouldn’t have doubted you. And part of me knew you’d never say that. Especially the part about my family and me. Even if you didn’t feel the same, I know you aren’t like that either. But I was... I was too insecure, I guess. To listen to my better judgement.”

She nodded quietly while his thumb grazed her hand in his. “I guess I could say the same thing,” she paused and then caught his eye. “When I— when I saw you and...”

Before she finished the sentence, he thankfully caught on so she didn’t need to say it. “Oh god,” he groaned and squeezed his eyes shut as if he were embarrassed. “Rey,” he huffed. “That— that meant nothing to me. She means nothing. I was actually only there to get your actual letter and respond with my own.”

“And I was only there to get my sweater,” she added. “What a horrible plot twist.”

He rolled his eyes. “Tell me about it.”

She briefed him on all the details. How they found out about the letters, how she began to suspect he was Kylo, what happened in between the time he left Rebellion.

He laughed. “I can’t believe you got your foster father to send me those texts.”

She shrugged. “He likes to be part of those sort of things. Wants to size up my man, I suppose,” she playfully slapped his arm.

His eyes warmed with fire. “‘Your man,’ huh?”

Her smile faded. “I mean— I don’t know, I shouldn’t assume, I just thought that maybe this meant that—“

She felt his hand engulf the top of her knee and give it a squeeze, causing a shiver to roll through her. “I think of all the names you’ve thus far known me by, that one is my favorite so far.”

She raised a brow at him and smirked. “‘So far?’”

Now he frowned. “Well, I just mean that—“

She shut him up by placing a soft, lingering kiss along his jaw. “I’m starting to think we’re getting a bit too mouthy now,” she murmured against his skin. She felt him grow warmer as she nuzzled her nose against his face as she kissed him.

“Hey, you’re the one being mouthy right now,” he said with a cracked voice. “Literally.”

She pulled back and cracked up. His jokes were so bad, they melted her heart.

They didn’t speak for a moment before she reached for his hand again. “Ben,” she started.

“Hmm?”

“You should know... before anything else... that I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for— for your uncle. For Luke.”

His brows knitted like he didn’t get what she said.

“He met with me. And we talked. And... and Ben. No matter what you do, I’ll be with you. By your side. Whatever you choose to do, I stand by. But he wants to make things right. He did this for you. He wants you to be happy. He knows he’ll never be able to fix what’s happened, but he wants you to find your happiness anywhere you can. And you should know that.”

Ben didn’t say anything for a bit. His lips pursed, as they always did whenever he was thinking.

His free hand carded through his hair and he exhaled before speaking. “I— I know. About how Luke feels. And... and I’ve been thinking about reaching out too. I guess, as usual, I was scared. Thought maybe I didn’t have the strength to do it,” he hesitated. He caught her eyes and squeezed her hand a little tighter. “But maybe I do.”

She smiled and cupped his face with her hand. “You do.”

He smiled back at her but then looked down as he retrieved something from his coat.

“I um... I don’t know. Guess I was sort of hoping somehow you’d be here. And I... I saw this and thought of you.”

He handed her a small, thin cardboard box with a ribbon strapped across it.

She frowned and looked to him in question, and he nodded her head for her to open it.

“Since you lost yours.”

When she slipped the top off, the item inside sparkled like a shooting star. It was a small flower pendant connected to a gold chain. In the center was an actual diamond and the petals were made of small, colorful opal stones held together by gold prongs.

Her eyes began to sting again; no one had ever bought her a gift like this before. The last time was when she received that original pendant from her foster father, shortly before he moved. But this necklace was stunning. It looked like real gold. Real opals. A real diamond.

“Ben,” she shook her head and tried to hand the box back to him. “I— I can’t possibly accept this, this is too lovely and I—“

He kissed her cheek, where a rogue tear began to spill down. “Sweetheart, no,” he cooed, “I wanted to. You deserve it. Sure it’s lovely, but you’re even lovelier. If you really feel uncomfortable taking it, I understand. But please take it if not. I want it for you.”

All she could do was nod her head. He motioned for her to turn around and he placed the delicate daisy pendant on her. Before she could let out an ugly sob, she threw her arms around his neck and held him close.

“Thank you,” she whispered against the shell of his ear.

“Of course,” he answered as his hand slid against the back of her head, smoothing her curls.

She had something for him as well. Only she hadn’t been so thoughtful as to bring it with her, despite knowing full well she’d see him. So she’d have to give it to him later.

“I want _you_ for me,” he told her. His voice got deeper somehow, and smoother.

She pulled back and placed her thumb along the corner of his mouth. “You want me?” She cooed.

He actually laughed, showing her his perfectly imperfect teeth. “Of course I do.”

She smiled, cheeks burning from the stretch. “I want you, too. I did then, and I do now.”

His eyes widened. She didn’t realize until that moment they had been glossy. “You do?”

She nodded. “I do.”

Like an act of gravity, he stood up and pulled her to her feet. His arms swung and wrapped around her torso as he towered her. Smiling so quietly, yet saying [everything](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtii7vZsNdI) all at once.

“Rey,” he murmured, smoky and warm.

And again, like gravity, she pulled to him. It was like he was the sun; every part of her revolved around him. It always had.

“Ben,” she whispered breathlessly to him.

The seconds felt like hours as he gave her one last smoldering look before lowering down and shifting his position so his lips to line up with hers; his eyes locked on hers, bound by something. Something that had always been there. And now was awake.

“I... I love you, Ben.”

His lips were on hers. Finally. Breathing new life in as he took her breath away; sending electricity down her veins as every soft press soothed.

It was like feeling an entire universe, made up of countless constatations and supernovas come alive inside her as her lips parted for him.

It felt like the creation of something. Something beautiful, striking. Earth shattering. Life giving.

It all felt so real. The explosion of fireworks around didn’t even register until she pulled away to take in his lovely face. All around them was the cascade of sparks trickling down the sky as a magnificent firework show went on in the background. They both leaned their heads back to take in the sight, but they didn’t waste too much time on that. Not when they had each other.

It was just them. Always them.

“I love you, Rey.”

* * *

If their friends had any idea of what happened on the rooftop, they didn’t do anything about it. They smiled and nodded in acknowledgment when Ben walked in with Rey on his arm, but they didn’t crowd them out.

It was like they were in a world alone.

It seemed like the perfect time to come back to the Gala; the composer who did the Galaxy Wars score was putting on a private performance with a small band and dancing was now commencing.

Ben didn’t even like to dance. He normally just appreciated the music and watched everyone else. But when Rey tugged his arm and took him captive to the dance floor, who was he to resist? He’d do anything for her. Give anything. Even if that meant potentially embarrassing himself in front of all these prominent people.

If he was willing to wear a plastic Kylo Ren helmet with his tuxedo, he was more than willing to do this.

Rey’s body molded perfectly with his own. She wasn’t tall, but she wasn’t short either so their heights aligned perfectly. Her hand was made to hold his, and his the same. She fit perfectly in his arms, and they had a natural synchronisation in their movements.

Swaying with her felt like flying. The lights and decorations truly did make him feel like he was a wanderer of the vast galaxy, swimming in its glory. With her at his side. He decided every beautiful thing he would see would be something he wanted to share with her.

Starting with this moment, as the composer played [‘Kylo and Kira Love Theme’](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JGe5GAhOf4) and they floated along.

He didn’t even care to notice all the other couples on the dance floor. All he saw was Rey.

“You know,” he whispered to her as they swayed along. “I just realized something.”

“Hmm?” She hummed against his ear, absolutely electrocuting him.

“You had me meet you on a rooftop.”

The most melodic, soft laughter came out of her. “Someone taught me to be less afraid.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Say hi to me on twitter pls :))
> 
> Twitter.com/ang3view

**Author's Note:**

> Say hi to me on twitter! Leave me a kudos! Comment! DM! I love hearing from you guys :,) thanks so much to everyone who has been nothing but kind and supportive to me as I continue writing about our absolute fave, beloved space ship... reylo~ (sorry that was so lame omg)


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